make women feel like they need the approval of men to be worth something? i realize that times are changing, and it's not so much like this anymore... but growing up, i remember my mom trying so hard to please my dad and make him happy just so she would feel like she was doing a good job as a wife... and i have fallen into the same trap (not so much with christopher, though, i do catch myself doing that sometimes... but mostly with my dad)... all my life, i've done everything i can to make him happy, to make him proud of me... and when he acts like he doesn't care, or is disappointed, i'm crushed... and this past weekend was more of the same...
it's no secret that my dad and i haven't spoken in over a year and a half... and with a possible background investigation coming up for me, i thought i'd at least try to be cordial and polite, and maybe that would start the smoothing things over... but no... my dad acted like i didn't even exist... i spoke to him while i was at my grandma's, and he barely forced a grunt at me... and two days later, at my grandma's again, i said "hello", and stood in the same room with him for 20 minutes and he wouldn't even look at me... i left my grandma's feeling like i had done something wrong as a daughter to make my dad act that way...
he has changed a lot since the divorce, and even more just in the past year... he's gone back to drinking, and smoking dope... and being a total ass to everyone... and for some reason, i can't stop blaming myself for it... i think, "maybe, just maybe, if i had been a better daughter to him, and not stood up for my mom, then he wouldn't be like he is now" and what's worse is that my youngest brother blames me too...
on my drive back to DC on sunday, i told myself that i made two attempts to start putting things back together with my dad, and he pushed me away both times... and that i was no longer going to feel guilty, or at fault for his actions... but telling myself to do something, and following through are two different things...
i have a picture of me and my dad from when i was about 3 years old... it is my favorite picture of the two of us... we're both smiling, and happy... and there's even a twinkle in my dad's eye... i don't think it will ever be like that again for us... and now the question is, do i really want it to be that way again? maybe things will change... and maybe they won't... i guess i'll just have to wait and see...
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April, your dad does not even come close to deserving a daughter like you and I don't even know him. You are not, repeat, NOT responsible for someone else's horrid behavior and attitude.
I know you have heard this a thousand times before.....you have no control over somebody else's choices (booze, drugs, assholiness, etc). It must hurt that your dad rejects you - sounds like he rejects everyone around him - but it is not your fault.
Any dad with even a tiny lick of sense would be proud to call you "daughter" and would be singing your praises to the world. Your dad is an idiot and you are a smart, beautiful, talented young woman with the whole world out there to conquer. Do NOT hand him the power to hold you back.
All my love and admiration - jerri
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